| DonnaB |
|
|
| #1 |
Hope you can consider my problem.I have been divorced for 3 years. Four months ago, I met a wonderful guy, while pulling up my yard sale signs! He was here on vacation.He lives about 5 states away. I gave him directions and left for a family dinner. 4 days later I meet him again, we exchange numbers. I ask and he tells me he is divorced. He tells me he was widowed at a young age and married another too soon and they've had trouble from almost the start (they hung in there for the kids 9 years with a couple of seperations according to him) . So now they are divorced. He has 2 kids, 15 &17(from the deceased wife).Fast forward.. We go on a six hour, best ever, fun date. Make out in the parking lot like kids (we are both 50).He neither drinks or smokes. Goes to church on Sunday. I was shocked that he said he thought he could possibly be in love with me-on our first date. I kidded him that that was impossible he "just met someone so nice,and he would snap out of it" when he got home. He told me tons of stuff about his life. His son called several times during this date.He said he wasn't telling where he was cause the kid gets mad if he doesn't include him . He said the kids were kinda messed up about the divorce. But he kept texting me/calling after he left to go back home. About a month after he gets back,one week the calls kinda stopped. I text, email ,finally call. He tearfully said he finds out that his ex never signed the dissoution papers-difficult situation,was afraid to tell me for fear of losing me, was trying to fix it so I'd never know...I told him that if she persisted that he could serve her, but he said they agreed on this proceedure and that he wouldn't be mean or confrontational and serve divorce papers.He swears they are truly seperated. We embark on 3 months of texting,calls and e-mails. He kinda keeps up the stream of talk that makes me think hey maybe it WAS love at first sight. I finally decide to relax a little and enjoy his words.
But there are other issues. His kids love this woman they know as their Mom, they keep giving him a hard time about divorcing her.She was trying to get back into their lives. I did ask if they were truly seperated because i would not date or befriend anyone that was still married . He assured me she did not live there and hadn't for a while. But she did come and go to see the kids. She now refuses to sign papers till the house is sold.He seems really wrapped up in his kids and they seem to run his life ,especially the boy who is 17.Seems he beats himself up with guilt about what this whole situation is doing to them. They play the guilt card really well on him. One night a month or so ago, he says he would love for "us" to be moving along alot quicker, but he really has to concentrate on his kids and how this is messing them up, and getting the house sold, etc. I understood that he was trying to be a good dad.I had no huge expectations about our realtionship at this point. He needed that divorce before I would take this seriously. But there were lots of convo's about us, how he felt, we traded stories about our X-es. He said he pictured us at his home , us traveling,etc.
But we press on, he continued to send me the best mesages, calls,e-mails.He never says anything outright, but there were coments eluding to a future. I am still afraid to beleive this could all be true,its that good, but i find myself falling for him-HARD. His kids ,family ,etc still know nothing about me. Recently, We make plans to meet,at his suggestion.I ask again an he tells me they are still seperated, she no longer lives there, hasn't for 6 months. ( I wanted to make sure.I don't want to be involved in anyting weird) He pays for me to fly to meet ,not in his home state,but another. We we're so happy to see each other,finally, after almost 4 months of calls and text and email. Before I left he teased that i'd better be careful, he may not let me go. (total crock- i KNOW what he is up against with the kids and all, no way "happy ever after " was happening on this trip.It would be a very long time till I could be in his life openly, I was sure.) Thought it was strange he paid for everthing -cash. I put my plane fare on my card cause he said he was dumb about online travel. But he paid me back immediately when i got there. But almost immediately the calls from the boy start, the real estate people , his family. He keeps leaving room to talk to these people. He mentions that they may have someone interested in the house. Great, I say, now you can move on with your life like you want. I know it'll be hard, but it what you wanted. ( I found out when i got home that half of those calls from the "realtor" were probably from his wife about the house-they actually got a CONTRACT on it,not "just interested" so he fibbed. I wouldn't have had a problem with him talking to her they do still co -own the home, I know this was necessary.If I am suppose to be your "soulmate" why hide the drama?)Look, I tried to spoil him best I could in the 3 days we had.But every time a call came in you could see he was backing off a little more. I was confused. I found myself having a couple of conversations in which i was almost fishing for how he felt.When i told him that I was apprehensive before I got there about how we would feel,after all this time, he said i was the same sweet girl he had first met months before.But that was all, no future talk, no i love you,nothing like the texts I'd been getting.We did have talks in which he stated that he felt he was a bad dad (NOT true,he is a great dad)and I spent alot of those convos "propping him up" and telling him what a wonderful dad he was, etc. He seemed to need to be reassured about alot of stuff concerning the kids and himself.
He took me on one of the days to where he and his first(now deceased) wife lived to show me the house. He recalled how much he did love her. (she died of cancer) . I thought this was a little strange but also thought that maybe he felt that he wanted to trust me with that part of his life, which was cool with me. I asked if I could send him something to his home and he said that the kid opens all his mail (he started it a while back as involving him,but now it was out of control) and plus he probably wouldn't be there alot longer anyway. I took that as don't send anything to his home.
We did have ALOT of fun too, though! Riding, sightseeing, talking, we ate some killer dinners! Exchanged stories about our childhood. We did sleep together, it was very very nice. I did let him know that this was special to me, I had not done this for over 2 years.I just do NOT do this with just anyone.This was the first time I'd ever been away with anyone i wasn't married to! He said he hadn't done this for a very long long time either. We did also have lots of laughs and fun,- until he would get a call.The son wanted him to come home.I asked if they knew who he was with and he said no. I teased that I felt like his dirty little secret. I did offer to him to go home early,when the barrage of calls did not stop I could tell he was distracted and wondering what the heck was going on there, but then what ? He would be sitting at home , the kids would still do what they normally do. He agrees and says he wants to stay. One conversation we had was me inviting him to my place next time he was down to my state,and since that may be about 8 months away,if all went well, the kids could come too or maybe I could meet them by then.He replied "Oh I don't know, this is gonna take an awful long time for them to get through". Then he gets a call his mom is in hospital , on our last night , while we are out on a dressed up date(not sure anymore if that was real or just a excuse to get out of there earlier the next day). We continue the date,but I said I knew he 'd probably need to get going to go home. I made sure our last night together he got spoiled extra, full massage, and made the rest "all about him". He said he felt guilty for feeling so good so i said hey sometimes a person just needs spoilin', and I teased that maybe he'd miss me when I'm gone.. I didn't get a reply, just appreciative groans!
So next morning he drops me off at airport 8 hours early,with apologies., saying he'd call in a day or so. He did text me at the airport,an hour later, to check on me, but i could not answer,I was trying to get flight out. Then he called,I missed call but called back. He then tells me he is on way to the hospital and the drama son told him about earlier he had worked out but could he take him to work, so he was trying to do both. He didn't text again till later that night to see how I was, so i wrote back that" I was lucky to get a standby flight,it was kinda tense but i'd tell him another time, i know he was dealing with alot right about now and I couldn't thank him enough I had a wonderful time. ".He didn't reply. I know he had some big things he had to do once he was home but could have found 5 minutes to call or text the next day.
Everyone that knows what happened says I should just walk away.They say it was cold and rude to just leave you there,whether you said it was ok or not.
I didn't hear from him for 4 days, so i finally text him that"I was thinking of him and what wondering was going on up there, missed him xoxox."
He sends back about a" motorcyle accident he had on grass that morning, wasn't too bad."(But never says I miss you too or anything) I send back that i was happy to hear that it wasn't bad,i joked that i still had some band aids from the trip if he needed 'em,then addded but call me and let me know you're really ok, I can't help it i care and i worry about you!
Silence. Nothing. Crickets. Four days later, I get text at 5:30 in the morning saying "Good Morning...Have a good day!". I was so happy to hear from him, I text back "Good mornin'! I sure will...now!!" and added a smiley with the tongue stickin out.Thats the last I heard from him.I sometimes wonder if that was even him or did the kids or the wife go through his phone???
I find it hard to believe that this guy persued me for 4 months from 5 states away, pays for me to see him, has been telling me all along how he thinks we are soulmates and all, then silence?? Believe me I have been through every conversation we had what we did, over and over.I can't believe there was anything I did or said that was that inapproprite or needy to make him run for the hills.No one else I told thinks that either. Heck, I spoiled the crap out of him. They said that after 4 months of all he's been saying and then flying me there, I should have some reasonable expectation that this was going someplace-eventually. At first i though maybe he was caught cheating, but he said she didn't live there,right? Plus, he had all my texts and pics I had sent him over 4 months on his phone. If someone is cheating they could NOT be that stupid. That would be the first thing I'd check, if I was his wife. The cash thing puzzles me. I think he didn't want to give me any more to hang onto, cause he knew he was in for a mess when he got home. I have gone between thinking ,hey maybe he just wasn't that into me? But we had too much fun, sex,talks, laughs for me to think that.He was still at least giving me looks that made me melt...Or could it be that he is just a wussy when it comes to those kids and his soon to be ex, that there was too much drama and he is not able to handle all this right now so he has to go do what needs to be done, and maybe he cared enough for me NOT to drag me any further into this? Or..is it that all these months he's been eluding to some sort of future of this relationship, if house gets sold and wife finally signs papers, and now WHAM! its happening and he thinks I think its going somewhere fast? (I knew better,not with the kids and her giving him grief. ). One of my friends said maybe he just realized that he DID really feel so much for you and that he is not worthy of your time affection or attention,now. That his life is such a mess
But he never said any of this. Just 2 lame texts in the 3 weeks since the trip.
I've been told NOT to text, email or call.(just in case he was a little more married than he let on...) Just walk away.That if I try to contact him it could go 2 ways, one, he may just need this space to "clean his plate" and if i contact him it may back him into a corner and he may tell me to back off. Or if i don't contact him, he knows from the last texts that I am NOT mad at him, still care, wanted to talk to him. So maybe he could resurface in a few months when he gets his crap together?
Its been so hard. I miss "that " guy who sent me those texts calls me ,said things to make my heart melt. I miss us being friends.
It was also told to me that if he withdraws and i have to chase him down for whats bothering him and coddle him every time ,propping him thats not good either. He needs to man up . That he seems to be a bit of a Marytr,and actually likes the drama. And that is a little scary.
I fell in love with this guy. I was willing to take on whatever came down the road for us. I have no kids of own. I thought I would have made a decent step mom one day , if it was meant to be. This is still making me cry daily.
Sorry this was so long. Can anyone help me with this? Do you think I will ever hear from him again? Anyone else have this kind of situation and how did you deal? Was I duped by a seemingly naiave man who was really diabolical? Or is this a guy who just can't handle it all .
|
| | | sali |
|
|
| #2 |
1. Forget about this guy!
2. So much drama already and you barely know each other (in person that is - texting does not make a relationship)
3. long distance will NEVER work when a man is raising kids, going through divorce etc. He needs to dedicate 99% of his time on his kids until they are 100% on their own, like 25 yrs old...
4. He's just not that in to you..if he was, you wouldn't have written such a dramatic story.
5. Cash...yea, cash
6. He sounds like a pro, probably has a cell phone for each sucker he finds while cruising yard sales. Change your #'s...I wouldn't believe anything this guy has said.
You've got it made, single, no kids...find someone just like you, you will be much happier!!!!!
Good Luck |
| | | donnaB |
|
|
| #3 |
Thanks for responding! almost everyone I know says the same thing -walk away. Don't call, don't text, don't email.Telling me that even if he sells home, signs the dissolution papers,and he did want to "move this along", the kids/drama are still a big factor! I've been told that no matter who would be "next" in his life, the kids would make it tough on them.
I thought if you are truly partners in a relationship , you could get through that...
I don't agree though, that he wasn't into me, I mean this guy went through 3 months of calls/texts/e-mails saying the sweetest stuff,we had talks about our lives, talkin about some future stuff,he always initiated that first,and when I expressed doubt,said I didn't want to be rebound girl,he worked all the harder to convince me I wasn't.He used to tell me he wasn't a one night stand kinda guy like his friends were.That i was a real genuine person and that he was lucky to find a pretty girl that wasn't stuck up and judgemental(he mentioned that wife was pretty and judgemental,and Why did he choose bother with all this work,I am so far away! I was sure this was real cause I figured if he just wanted to play fantasyland and then just nail someone, he could have done that in his hometown or even the next state over for alot less trouble with a few martini's and some bimbo, or someone he could have met off the internet, right?He spent at least $700.00 (yup, cash!) in those 4 days for my airfare,our hotel,food,gas,meals. Funny,He seemed kinda small town and naive, which was sweet,and made me feel he wasn't a player. Sometimes I think that maybe he was planning/hoping we could be together, he often stated that he wanted happiness, but that 4 days and all that drama just showed him like you said in #3. He is just not ready. 'Cause now I wasn't just some voice or text,I was a real person that cared for him, its lot harder to deal with the reality when I am actually there...and I WAS still the same person he said he fell in love with so fast.
Just wish he wasn't so cowardly about breaking it off ,I am an adult, and heck, it still would have hurt, but I would have understood! I deserved the courtesy of at least him telling me why.I've never pushed him for anything,I'm the one who tried to slow it down!
But Sali, you are right about the drama. Seemed to always be something brewing up there.I am normally drama fee (except for this) and baggage free too!
Guess I just wanted to know if anyone thought I'd ever hear from him again if he got through this.Would he have the balls to call?
Then i think of things like does he miss me,or is he laughing at me, is he sorry he did this this way,does he want to contact me but is afraid cause he hasn't for the last 3 weeks... AAAAAAACK! I was nice to this guy...and this shouldn't have to be this hard. |
| |
|
